{"title":"Me and the Dark D.","description":"\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"\u003eME AND THE \u003cstrong\u003eDARK D \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e3.25\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDear Sienna, \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eHave you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself before? \u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI found one of your old journal entries when I packed up your apartment so I know that you have…I’m truly sorry if you’ve ever felt this type of suffering and didn’t feel like you could tell me (your bigger sister) about it. But maybe that’s why you couldn’t tell us about a lot of things…\u003cem\u003esometimes I wonder if I pushed you away from me or were you distancing yourself from us on purpose? \u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eIs this thought another regret of mine? \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMaybe. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eHonestly, I haven’t quite decided yet if I believe in the idea of regret at all, but I think I’m starting to understand why such a term was created. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eIt’s been awhile since I’ve written to you.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLet me just say: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"\u003e\u003cstrong\u003eDepression is real. \u003c\/strong\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI’ve spent all my free time since coming back to Vegas, curled up in my dark bedroom, killing the precious hours of my life playing \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eRoyal Match\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e and binge watching movies on Netflix, only emerging from my musty cave to get food, water, and to go to work. I guess this is what life looks like, at least, it is for now…now that you’re gone. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e(But don’t worry though, I’m still showering!  If not, the onions would be strong with this one, and no one likes a stinky girl.) \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eMy coworker recently: “So how have you been?”\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eMe: “Fine, I guess.”\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eCoworker: “Just fine?”\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eMe: “Yeah, why what have you heard?”\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eCoworker: “Nothing bad,” she paused before saying, “just that you’re quiet now.”\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eAnd she’s right. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI’ve been quiet. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eAlmost too quiet…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eBut I feel shy now. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI feel shy around my coworkers, I’m shy around our family, my friends, and even Ace. Most importantly, I fear I’ve become shy around myself these last couple of weeks. \u003cem\u003eMonths? \u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cem\u003eGod, how long has it been?\u003c\/em\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eAnd let me just say, once you become shy around yourself, it's a hard mental journey back to reality, because really, it’s a journey back to yourself and sometimes, finding yourself (again) is the hardest thing for people to do. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThat same fear is still coursing through the fibers of my psyche, I just pray that the people I love the most won’t abandon me by the time I get back to myself because I have no idea what this scared version of \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eme\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e is capable of destroying and at this point, I’m glad I can’t see the future to know.  \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou wouldn’t be shocked to hear that I’ve been \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cstrong\u003e\u003cem\u003ehere\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/strong\u003e\u003cspan\u003e before.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e In fact, this is not my first rodeo with depression. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eNo. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMe and the\u003cstrong\u003e dark D\u003c\/strong\u003e go way, way, back; \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cem\u003emy metaphorical stamp card here must be lit\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cspan\u003e. And what’s my prize in the end? (\u003cem\u003eBecause there better be a f*cking prize)\u003c\/em\u003e …I suppose admin is still working that part out but let me just say I hope that at the end of all this, what's waiting for me at the end of this dark and tormenting tunnel is true inner \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003epeace.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cem\u003eOne can only hope.\u003c\/em\u003e \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eOne of the things I’ve seemed to learn from being in this place before is that depression isn’t so in your face. It’s not loud and obvious and it doesn’t just happen over night and also, \u003cspan style=\"text-decoration: underline;\"\u003e\u003cem\u003ei\u003c\/em\u003e\u003cem\u003e\u003cspan\u003et\u003c\/span\u003e's not the same for everyone\u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e. For me, it's more like the dense fog that sneakily rolls in like the early morning marine lair and it only dissipates if (and when) I allow it to. What I’ve noticed about this pattern of mine is that this slow progression of darkness that quietly strolls over the course of my life and blankly plagues my days with this unending emptiness completely takes over, until one day I wake up and realize that I’m at the bottom of myself: lost. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e And that’s where I am right now and this is how I feel: completely and utterly \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003elost. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLost and shy. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eWhat a great combination. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSo, if I can barely recognize myself now, then where the fook am I? \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLike am I too far gone or is this just another moment in time I get to add a shining star to my depression stamp card once I truly hit rock bottom? \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e(and like, am I already there?) \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThe freefall has finally stopped and with it: the energy to move on from this place. Having to take the long way back up to my truest self, I am not drowning and I am no longer in freefall. Down here,  I fear I have become\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e nothing\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e. It's like I'm in this deep black hole inside of myself, (the hole I realize now is from the space that you used to fill) and just like how you are now, it is filled with nothingness and also, \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eit’s fucking dark down here. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eThe sound of my squeaky -shy- voice mocks me as it echoes back my silent attempts to get back to the surface: \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eback to myself\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e. Is anyone out there listening or are we all too consumed by our own grief to notice that I may need a smidgen of attention.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cem\u003eHow long will I be down here for Sienna? \u003c\/em\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e…\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eI guess I’ll let you know when I get back. \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003e.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLove, \u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp dir=\"ltr\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSissy\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e \u003c\/p\u003e","products":[],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0793\/4171\/5710\/collections\/DON_T_LOSE_YOURSELF.png?v=1773268608","url":"https:\/\/mkynsp-jj.myshopify.com\/collections\/apples-and-wine.oembed","provider":"the letter_33","version":"1.0","type":"link"}