A letter to a younger self
Dear Natalia,
Happy Birthday, little one!
You are fifteen.
I’m sure you’ve heard this a thousand times already, but man, time sure does fly. When did you stop being this bucked tooth little girl, always ready with her sassy snapple facts and wicked burns. You're a teenager now, but your wisdom never ceases to amaze me, you are truly wise beyond your years, that or its the "tism", lol. I want you to know how much I’ve enjoyed the time that I’ve gotten to spend with you, I’ve had such a blast getting to know you and the young woman you’ve started to become. I can’t wait to see what you do next. I want you to know that you is kind, you is important, and we will get back to all the things you is, in a quick moment.
Oh to be fifteen again…
It's easy because you don’t pay rent but it's hard because it's the first time you’re actually experiencing life and now there’s all these goddamn raging emotions. Sprinkle some parental trauma into the mix and now life can sometimes feel too overwhelming. But I want you to take a deep breath and please know: that it is all going to be okay. Just breath, girl.
I get it, though. You're a teenager, I’ve been there before. This is the first time you're getting to experience life and what it feels like to actually be disappointed by your parents. When you were a kid, it didn’t hurt so much, did it? When we’re no longer blinded by the lenses of our youth, their transgressions start to stab at our inner child, forever marking us like a burn. It’s taken me thirty years of my life to stop being angry at them. In fact, I was angry for so long and for no reason when really, they were just trying their bestess. Do we all have different versions of their best, absolutely. But sometimes their best is actually their best and we have to take them for how they come because they’re still our parents.
Aww sweetie, I imagine you saying. Truth be told Natalia, that's all that our parents really can do (it IS their version of their best) and also remember: this is their first time in life too and they’re working with the same (but different) traumas from their youth. Trauma is cyclical and I’m seeing now that sometimes it takes the younger generation to have to break it.
For the record, I’m not excusing bad behavior and you are allowed to be angry. It's a right of passage. Food for thought, I read once that your family will always be the first to let you down because they were the first ones to love you.
Just don't be angry for too long, okay? Promise? Circle for yes, ignore for no.
Don’t let this small blip of time in your life hold you back from your bright and exciting future, your life is just starting to begin, so get freaking excited, kid! I know you won't be held back though, you already sound so driven in what you’ll be doing in the next chapter of your life, I’m in awe of your already well thought out vision of it. I’m so proud of you, keep going. And trust me, little one, you don’t want to wake up at thirty and realize you’ve let the personal vendetta against the ghosts of your past, be the reason you held yourself back. Really, seriously, try not to hold yourself back in anything, not in school, not in your career, and especially not in your own happiness and self worth. This anger we all differently carry, is just not worth it at the end of the day. Life is hard as it is, we don't need to be our own enemy too, where’s the peace in that? I want you to know that these things that hurt us are only temporary, and like us, they will always turn into dust. How long you stand there with dirt in your sweaty ass hand, is entirely up to you. What I’ve learned after losing Sienna is that there is no more time to be this type of angry anymore. So, homework check: how many times did you and I watch Frozen together?
Let that shi- gooooooooo.
Sing it with me now.
Let it go, let it goooooooo.........I know you know the words.
I’ve finally come out of the cave of my own ignorance and I’m here to tell you: one day you’ll realize it is by your own hand that you can remain shackled inside yourself and it is you alone that holds its imaginary key. Sometimes I fear I’ve wasted these last few years of my life staying mad at others, when really it is I and I alone that can heal these parts inside of me. I too understand that anger that comes from getting hurt by the ones we're supposed to love and be loved by. I see you, and I get it. But we were not made in their image to stay mad forever. This is life, and they say we were supposed to be made out of love…
Don’t be like me, Natalia, even though I’m your favorite. (heh heh) I’ve clung onto the excuse that ‘tomorrow will come’ for far too long because for us, it always did. Losing Sienna has made me realize that we are no exception to death, nor are we of time. My biggest piece of advice to you is: don’t start wasting yours.
Don’t waste it on being sad, (and/or even depressed) don’t waste it on blaming others, (not even yourself), don’t waste it on people who are not worth your energy, (because you are valuable), and don’t waste it on things you don’t love doing, (because isn’t that the whole freaking point?)
When I was your age I couldn’t wait to leave the house and go experience the world by myself. But let me tell you in a big sisterly warning, the world out there can be a mean and stinky place and you could/might get bruised up a bit. But no matter what, we always get up, we rub some dirt in it, because you’ll be fine, sweetie. And always know that your family, your sisters, me, we will always be in your corner, cheering you on.
I want you to know that no matter what, you are strong, you are important, and you fucking got this. And all this, this is just life and as my little Asian grandma always tells me, life will always have its ups and downs. Much like water, it ebbs and it flows, what truly matters is how we choose to receive it.
Keep growing, little one, don’t stop. Don’t stop falling in love with YOUR life and most importantly don’t forget to fall in love with yourself. The world will always be what YOU make it, just be a good person and you got this. I promise the dark days will start to become far and few between the more you claim your independence, you just have to be willing to ask yourself the right questions. Don’t be afraid to deep-dish-dive into your mind because the only way out of this stinking chaos we call life is through. And this life we’ve been gifted is beautiful. In all its ups, downs, and in betweens, we are blessed. Don’t forget to enjoy it!!!
Plus, our angels are watching and they told me they don't want us to be sad anymore. We're too pretty to be sad. I know Sienna and your Pipo are dancing right there next to you with a smile on their faces, don’t ever forget it. Be proud to show them your world and don’t forget to chase your dreams.
<3
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What I wish I told myself when I was your age:
-Don't listen to the bullshit.
*Seriously, stop.
-Also→Don’t care too much about the bullshit.
*it’s mostly shit and it's a waste of your bull. Make it make sense.
*Also, you could get wrinkles from all the stress, so, just breathe girl.
-Your boobs will come. If not, then you can just buy them.
*I said what I said.
-Stop blaming your mother.
*Don't worry, we all do it, but the sooner you stop the sooner you’ll thank yourself. Trust. *Food for thought: Perhaps everyone in the world has their own personal demons, even our mothers, who sit on their ivory pedestals in the eyes of their own daughters.
*We are only human, it is in our nature to be hurt by any and all such traumas.
*But it is on us to overcome it.
-You are in charge of your own happiness.
*Please don’t ever leave the house without this one: it is the anecdote for our inherited shame.
*Food for thought: (...your turn…)
-So don't listen to the bullshit.
*You are in control of what hurts you.
*Don't waste your time giving these ghosts the power to touch your inner child.
*Take care of her, take care of your sisters, and always take care of you.
Lastly,
-Everyone poops.
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I love you forever.
Happy Quince Natalia!!
Love,
Ari <3333333
