guess you had to be there...

2.25-27.26 

Dear Sienna, 

It was your birthday week, betch. 

Happy freaking Birthday!

I’m not going to lie, this one has been hard to write ( & I’m not too sure why…)

I was going to write you a cheesy letter about how much fun I had at the farm these last couple of days but I know you were already there with us to see it and let's be real, no one wants to hear about what the sunsets looked like or how the stars twinkled in bright constellations at night… All I know is that I never want this feeling to end. 

I’ve been riding this celebratory high for five days straight now and I'm not eager to come back down…(But like seriously, can someone please leave me here), because I’m having so much fun right now and responsibilities don’t seem to exist…it's peaceful there and despite the creeping eyes of the neighborhood cats, you almost feel completely alone. This  is the type of vacation my heart desperately needed: silence and complete freedom→ spending my days in a place where time is only a construct of our imaginations: I f*cking live for these moments.

Fine, real quick: the sunsets on the farm look like golden quicksand, (the kind you want to get lost in) and have quickly become my own shared piece of cosmic heaven. The faint whiffs of pig manure are oddly comforting and further remind me of where I’ve chosen to celebrate the day of your birth: I really think you would love it here. We spent the perfect weathered day picnicking between the blades of overgrown grass and laughing, 

“I never want this day to end,” I told him. 

Clinking his Corona glass to mine, one of my best friends smiles back at me, “Cheers dude, it's your birthday now too,” and I suppose he’s right. 

So cheers, Sienna, happy 25th birthday to us! 

These last few days have become another moment suspended in time I hope to never forget. This last week: another reminder of how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by people who truly love me, “We're family, sis, you know I got you,” he tells me from across our roaring bonfire. (His words warmed my insides the same way the flames had warmed my toes): he really does got me…and deep down, I know that they all do. 

It's funny how time can soothe the ache of this missing piece you’ve left behind; even funnier were all the jokes we shared in the countless -unjudgmental- conversations we shared over the course of these last few days…I wish I could stay here. I had so much fun this last week celebrating this momentous occasion that I almost forgot that the only thing missing in this picture was: you.

Maybe that’s why this damn thing has been so hard to put into words… that, or maybe it’s this difficult because how can one accurately write out perfection? 

I guess you just had to be there. 

…

It was also the anniversary of our fathers passing... but instead of dwelling on who was missing from your own birthday party, I chose to celebrate: I celebrated you, I celebrated life, I celebrated in the joy of what it means to love and be loved by such amazing people and Sienna, I. haven’t. stopped. laughing... It’s moments like this that continue to remind me that the definition of sibling-hood can be formed and transformed in the people you choose to let in. I truly hope everyone gets to experience friends like these...because I freaking love my friends. 

As I reflect on the many intrinsic gifts I received on your behalf (maybe one day I’ll share them with you), my birthday gift to you is to continue this celebration in all walks of this journey I get to call my life. In all its highs and lows, I promise to keep taking you on these adventures with me as long as you promise to keep watching. Another promise I intend to keep: I’ll always try my hardest to fill these days with pure, unadulterated joy because that was the very essence of you (and him, tbh) and in these very moments I know that you are truly here. 

I love you, little sis. 

Happy Birthday.  

Love, 

Sissy